


Just a Concussion

by hintofstarlight



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutually Unrequited, Pining Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Rejection, Sad Ending, im still grieving shut up, is levi pining im afraid that i didnt show it enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 11:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20290438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hintofstarlight/pseuds/hintofstarlight
Summary: “Nothing’s stopping me from waiting,” Levi said, voice barely above a whisper—words meant for only Erwin Smith to hear. “That’s why I waited for you, above everything else.”





	Just a Concussion

_“I’ll be waiting for you, Erwin.”_

__

“... Levi, Levi—wake...are you—”

There was a persistent ringing in Levi’s ears. Everything was a blur, along with the same voice that kept trying to dominate the ringing. It caused multiple waves of pain to course through Levi’s head the more he tried to make sense of what it said.

_‘Damn it... Wake up, wake up already, Levi.’_

First, he opened one eye, then another. He squinted his eyes, furrowed his brows together in frustration, and blinked once. He repeated the process, but there wasn’t much to see, to begin with. The immediate area was dark, apart from the small slivers of white light seeping through holes in the ceiling. Was there even a ceiling, to begin with? He looked up and saw nothing but holes. Was he growing delirious? Or maybe—dare he say—delusional, even?

“Levi? Are you fully awake now?”

He slowly turned his head to the source of the blurred noise. As his eyes adjusted to the small, irregular sources of light, he soon came to recognize who was with him and who was trying to wake him up a few moments ago.

“Er... Erwin, what the fuck... happened to the roof?”

Said man chuckled softly before trailing his hand across the small of Levi’s back to guide him to a seated position. The latter would have been lying if he said that he didn’t sport a light blush after the contact.

“Look closely, Levi.”

Levi followed his instructions, following Erwin’s finger as he pointed above them. It only became clear after a few seconds that what he was looking at was definitely not a ceiling, but a bunch of leaves and foliage. _‘That explains the holes, but what the hell even happened?’_

The memories of what transpired slowly returned to Levi. They were on another small scale expedition for selected troops to visit the ration and equipment hut within the Forest of Giant Trees when a large amount of abnormal had thrown them off-course. They had planned to restock their supplies in case of emergencies in the next expedition when suddenly, around fifteen abnormal titans came barraging from within the trees into their formation. 

Levi was tasked to take out at least half of the creatures before escaping the rest, but his gear malfunctioned right when an especially large abnormal—a 10-foot variety, at most—reached out a grubby hand for his falling body. The rest was, unfortunately, blurry.

He could only assume that Erwin, newly appointed Commander of the Scouts, came to his rescue right before he was eaten. As a result, he ended up with Levi in the forest, stuck and both stripped of functional blades and gas.

“_Fuck_ this,” Levi cursed silently, sweeping a hand across his now-unkempt hair. “How long has it been?”

“...Nearly half a day. The sun just set about three hours ago, in fact.”

Erwin looked up to the foliage, and Levi followed his gaze. The Forest of Giant Trees have always been especially shady during the day, what could he have been expecting when the sun is replaced by the moon?

“Have you at least tried calling our horses?”

“Yes. Of course, I did,” Erwin said without looking back to meet eyes with Levi. “That’s the most logical thing to do, what else would I have done?”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“... Yes, I know. Forgive me. Yes, I called the horses, but more titans came once they heard me whistling. I used up the last of my blades, but it appears they had become bored of us. Look,” Erwin gestured at the small bunch of 5 to10-meter titans lying passively beneath the tree they sought refuge in. “Unmoving, just as Hanji had theorized. All she needs now are specimen to prove her theory right.”

Levi could clearly see what he meant. He clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Do not fret. Surely Hanji and Mike are working on a search and rescue as we speak,” Erwin said, perhaps in an attempt to reassure the smaller male. “Until then, let’s preserve our rations. We don’t know how long we’ll be staying here.”

_‘Yeah,’_ Levi thought. _‘Or how long I can last being here, for that matter.’_

“In related matters, how is your head?” Erwin asked as he dug through their satchels to work on preserving their available supplies.

“What about it?”

“I don’t expect you to even remember, but you hit your head when your gas ran out. You crashed into a tree.”

Levi’s eyes widened before he clicked his tongue once again. He could recall small snippets of the accident, despite it being blurry in his head. He had toppled off the abnormal Erwin had finished off for him and crashed into a tree, earning a concussion in the process. To top it all off, everything happened right in front of Erwin.

“How embarrassing,” he spat. Despite the growing blush on Levi’s cheeks, his tone remained cold.

“I don’t think there’s anything embarrassing about it.”

Upon seeing Erwin’s comforting smile, Levi’s blush worsened. _‘I don’t think I’ll last long after all, especially around him.’_

Levi wasn’t sure what had gotten into Erwin. Perhaps it was the coldness of the forest, or maybe he also hit his head but didn’t dare to let Levi know about it. Perhaps he was just plain bored when he asked, “How have you been?”

“Me?” Levi replied with a hint of hesitance.

“Of course. Do you see a third person stuck with us?” Erwin teased.

Levi clicked his tongue, this time louder than before. “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm.”

“That wasn’t sarcasm. I simply enjoy joking with you.”

“Is that what I am now? I thought I was only your ‘co-superior’, and our relationship is strictly _professional_.”

“We are also comrades. Also, I don’t recall implying anything that goes way beyond the bounds of professionalism.”

“Tch.”

A silence followed. Levi knew he was being irrationally bitter—was it even irrational? 

“... to answer your question, Eyebrows, I’ve been alright. Titans and new recruits have been up my ass, as always, but I’m doing fine.”

“That is... good to hear.”

He snuck a glance at Erwin, whose face did a good job of hiding his heart’s emotions. Maybe he was imagining things, but he could have sworn there was a slight tinge of sadness in the man’s mood.

“You don’t seem very pleased about that.”

“What? Oh, no, forgive me. I didn’t mean to sound that way,” Erwin shook his head. “The reality that we’ll be stuck here for God knows how long really does a number on me.”

Levi accepted his reasoning for now. He chose not to act upon his suspicions any further.

“How about you?”

“Oh, you know. Still getting used to the role of Commander even after a year of being in it,” Erwin paused to yawn and stretch one of his legs that now hung lazily off the side of the branch they both sat on. “I had expected it to be tedious and, indeed, I got more than what I expected.”

“Still, it’s a good thing that Shadis retired to the Training Corps, huh? Less annoying people up our asses all the damn time.”

“Hey,” Erwin laughed. “You can’t say you don’t have at least a small bit of respect for him.”

Levi kept quiet after that, but he knew that he agreed with what Erwin said. He just felt he had more respect for Erwin even before he became Commander, but he wasn’t going to turn a blind eye to Shadis’ contributions anytime soon.

“Which reminds me, have the recruits been treating you well? Ah, sorry,” Erwin coughed. “I don’t think that’s the correct thing to ask. Have _you_ been treating the recruits well?”

“Rude. Let me answer both for you. So far they had been a tad bit tamer, compared to the last batch. _Way_ easier to discipline,” Levi replied, not making eye contact with the taller man who was evidently looking at him.

“That is to be expected of you, Levi.”

The smaller man cocked an eyebrow. _‘Who the hell is he to tell me what’s to be expected of me?’_

“It doesn’t matter what’s to be expected of me.”

“Why does it not? As a higher-up in the Survey Corps, you really should think twice,” Erwin smiled, his eyes twinkling with mischief under the moonlight.

“What’s the use of that, anyway? We’re trash, pieces of shit that keep insisting on going out the damn walls to see what could possibly kill us—that’s what they _all_ think of the Corps,” Levi cut Erwin off and cast him a sharp stare. “I shouldn’t kiss the asses of royalty like the others, just so people could have a higher opinion of me.”

Levi looked away from Erwin’s ocean blue eyes. Silence consumed the once engaging conversation once again before Erwin had decided to reply.

“Forgive me. I wasn’t thinking about what you could have felt with my words.”

Levi was soon growing disoriented. Erwin’s words seemed to fade from clarity, and all he could do was nod. He couldn’t put up a fight in his state, what’s the use of wasting the energy he should be preserving? He’d rather die by the hands of a man-eating giant than by a concussion beside someone he could never have, even if he cast aside all of his self-control.

“I would have thought that you knew what I felt, with the shit you used to say back then,” Levi replied, leaning back against the trunk of a tree.

“_What?_”

“When you said all that shit about leading humanity to victory, right after my friends had died,” Levi let himself loose with the means of a small chuckle. “Ever since then, it has never left my mind.”

“Levi—”

“You told me that you had more things to do than entertain me—far better, more important shit. Is this what you were so occupied about? Are you that bothered about what other people think of you?”

“That’s not what I’m worried about and we both know that. I could care less about what other people think.”

Levi scoffed and crossed his arms. He knew that he was further adding fuel to an already blazing flame, such as Erwin’s resolve. However, he found himself not caring how Erwin would treat him after the conversation—he was far too out of it to even fully be aware what he was saying to the man, who was evidently concerned more than anything.

“Levi, do you really think I pushed you away because of that? What other people think of me does not concern me. I simply said that it would be better to wait for more appropriate circumstances before we—”

“Stop all of this polite talk, Erwin,” Levi uncharacteristically groaned. “What the fuck are you even afraid of? _The titans? Professionalism?_”

“Precisely.”

Levi’s heart felt heavy as he leaned further against the tree to support himself. He had been evading the truth for so long that it was especially hard to swallow at this moment in time.

_Erwin was willing to cast him to the side, for humanity._

“...Levi, will you ever forgive me?”

“Forgive you? You didn’t do anything—”

“But I did. I didn’t think about what you felt—it turns out that what happened earlier wasn’t the first occurrence.”

Levi habitually clicked his tongue. He slightly turned his body to face to the side to further avoid Erwin’s eyes filled with guilt, for he knew that meeting with them would affect his constitution more than he would like to admit. He cursed whatever was above for getting them into their current predicament—Levi never would have wanted this conversation, and he would have chosen to avoid the man who always gave him the feelings he loved, yet dreaded to experience.

The silence was particularly heavy this time around.

“How have you been, Levi?”

“Hah?” Levi asked, cocking an eyebrow at Erwin’s words. “Didn’t you just ask that?”

“Yes, of course. This time, I’m asking in a different context,” the corner of Erwin’s lips rose into that of a small smile. Levi knew there was something hidden behind the display of emotion. “_How have you been?_”

“... I’ve been waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“What else could I have been waiting for?” Nothing else needed to be said—Levi knew Erwin understood what he was implying.

“I recall telling you that waiting for me is a lost cause,” Erwin sighed, turning his body slightly to face Levi without falling off the branch. “I was told that I’d die in less than five years. In five years, I am to give my heart to humanity, to the cause of defeating the titans.”

“And did it look like I actually gave a fuck?”

Erwin was surprised, but a short laugh was the only thing that his voice managed to let out. “Aren’t you afraid of death?”

“My death is the least of my worries. It’s _yours_ that concerns me.”

“I’m flattered, Levi.”

“...Don’t push your luck, Eyebrows.”

Erwin sighed and crossed his arms. “All of us have to be afraid of something at some point. It would be hard to admit for most people, but everyone has their own fears.”

Levi could never admit what he was terrified of. It was something Levi would never dare attempt to swallow—and if he ever needed to, it was something he could never stomach for long.

_What was a world without Erwin Smith?_

“I would advise you to stop waiting, Levi. I’m not saying I don’t want to have a different relationship with you, but it’s as you said. Titans have always been up our asses, and I should be the least of your worries.”

Levi didn’t speak for a moment, as his mind continued to interpret what he was hearing. 

Was he being rejected?

“I have less than a decade’s worth of living left. It’s better not to leave any lasting bonds that would be hard to sever once the need arrives.”

“That’s just _it_, dumbass,” Levi spat. “That’s why I’ve been waiting for so long. I knew that your life already has an end, and _goddamn_ it, I just want to give you something worth living for while the end hasn’t come yet!”

Erwin’s eyes slowly trailed over to Levi’s dark but fiery ones.

“I don’t give two shits about the titans. Not anymore,” the smaller man firmly stated. “I don’t give two shits about death, either—yours, or mine.”

Finally, Levi turned and faced Erwin fully—no barriers or filters, just as he had always wanted.

_“Nothing’s stopping me from waiting,”_ Levi said, voice barely above a whisper—words meant for only Erwin Smith to hear. _“That’s why I waited for you, above everything else.”_

Erwin sat as straight and rigid as ever. The distant sound of crickets in the foliage around them seemingly faded, while Erwin’s heartbeat only got louder and more erratic with each passing second. Then, silence consumed the two.

“...That’s what you would have expected of me, right?”

Erwin couldn’t say that what Levi had said wasn’t true. He had anticipated Levi’s persistence to grow up to this extent—it was a personal desire that pulled him back from doing anything about it before it reached this point.

However, Erwin knew his limits. Erwin knew where his self-control runs out, and he knew how to stop.

“... No—_no_, Levi, this isn’t right, by any means.”

He could have sworn that his heart felt the worst ache ever to be experienced the moment he saw Levi’s disheartened expression. Somehow, he felt the exact second Levi’s heavy heart dropped down, down to the titans that lay at the foot of their tree. Even after all this time, the man knew which buttons to press and exactly how to press them to make the Commander of the Survey Corps feel frail. 

For the next few minutes, no one dared to speak. The crickets had consumed the void.

“... Heh,” Levi chuckled, and Erwin could sense a change in atmosphere—bitterness. “Even after all this time, you’re still as righteous as ever.”

Erwin’s eyebrows rose in confusion.

“You’re still as law-abiding and uptight as when I first met you,” Levi whispered once again, covering his eyes with his right hand. “And here I thought you changed—even just for a small bit.”

“Forgive me, Levi.”

“I already told you,” Levi whispered, voice breaking slightly. “You didn’t do anything. I never should have expected anything to happen between us.”

“... Yes, but,” Erwin placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder and smiled—a smile Levi knew, hated, yet adored altogether. “_I was apologizing in a different context_.”

Levi found himself letting out a small smile of his own upon seeing Erwin’s familiar eyes twinkling with white speckles that looked much like stars.

As Levi continued to look at the man, his disorientation seemed to vanish. Though his heart felt heavy, he felt nothing but respect and adoration for Erwin Smith. The man who was willing to set aside his dreams and desires for the sake of humanity and everything he thought it deserved.

_‘They never deserved you,’_ he thought bitterly as Erwin leaned against a sturdy part of the tree, getting ready to turn in for the night. _‘Humanity never deserved someone like you.’_

He found his heart dropping to his feet once again. _‘I never deserved someone like you.’_

It made perfect sense, like the gods above played this cruel scene out to his advantage. The next morning, he would pretend everything he said was part of a fever dream, simply part of the ‘delusional imagery’ his mind put him through due to his injury. If he was fortunate, Erwin would even forget about everything that transpired if he had hit his head without letting Levi know. Perhaps he would even die tonight, during his sleep. He would be the first to meet Erwin, wherever he went—_whether it be heaven or hell._

If he was lucky, he would be able forget that he was foolish enough to think that he could escape his cruel fate and go back home with something he thought he could never have.

After all, what he got was just a concussion—_nothing more._

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first snk fic in ao3! i'm open to any suggestions, please feel free to send me a dm on my twitter @levisteashop!


End file.
